desolating

You ever feel like you have no idea what is going on around you? It’s like a feeling of discomfort and anxiety. You have that feeling that something is pressing down on your chest and you can barely take a breath? I miss the feeling I had when I first arrived here, the euphoric feeling. Goosebumps down my spine and the tingling sensation through my body; through my fingertips to my tippy toes. Whenever I would see or learn more about this wanderland I was living in. Now, all I have is the constant heavy breathing, anxiety approaching my body. Every single time I am outside for longer than a couple of minutes.

I want to feel a pinch from someone, and then suddenly wake up. I want someone to tell me this was just another bad dream, with a bitter taste to it. But, in reality I just want to be home. I want to, more than anything. I believe times like these really make us appreciate the little things that make up the whole picture, those little arguments which you would then make up after five short minutes with your mom or dad; you would just stare and glaze at each other trying not to burst a laugh, because the argument was “serious”, you know.

My mental health went through a rollercoaster, it is still on this rollercoaster. I have been going through really highs and really lows. Right now, it seems as if my rollercoaster just kind of stopped and it left my mind stuck in this abyss of a loop, I feel nauseas, I feel anxious and my the rush of my blood is still stuck in my head, the pounding of my head does not stop. These are real symptoms of not being ok. This is the time where one should not be alone. Mental health is so important, especially during these times where isolation seems to be our best friend.

Being in quarantine in a different country far from home and with no family to be around taught me valuable things. One, you must take care of your mind, you need to take care of your soul and don’t forget your body. Going to sleep at 5 am every day and waking up really late in to the next day, is not a healthy thing. It is draining. Your body will feel it and so it will start affecting your mental health, and soul.

I don’t think I have talked about the negative side of this trip other than COVID-19 taking something I dreamt of for so long. But, let’s talk about mental health and the toll it has really taken on some of us. I will never be the same after experiencing this; but, I am trying to see the positive in every negative. Yes, I am not in the best mental state like I was when I first arrived. Could I be better? Maybe, or maybe not; I will never know. All I know is that we create our own realities. Being stuck home, for so long changes you. It makes you reconnect with your soul on a deeper level, even when you try to avoid it, I can’t explain it.

This blog might be all over the place, but I’m being 100 percent honest to how my mind has been these past few weeks. Sometimes it is not all sunshine and rainbows and that is OK. We are going through a global pandemic and it is OK to not be OK!

Vi amo sempre ragazzi,

Joanely.